Demons

  It ain’t always easy when you’re trying to figure out who you are. Especially if you’ve always been a troubled kid with nothing better to do but to get on other people nerves.

I remember always being somewhat different than the rest of the kids around me. I’ve had  troubles making friends, I wasn’t happy with the way things were back in the days, I’ve had anger issues ever since I remember and a bunch of other stuff that was making life pretty difficult for me. So in 7^th grade I’ve decided that since I was always trouble I might as well just pursue that. But it didn’t all go as smooth as I imagined.

Being chubby was always a part of who I was and honestly I’ve never put much attention to it. Until I was 13. I became obsessed with magazines, models and especially rock stars.  My walls were covered with their pictures and I was in love with one in particular. After a while I’ve studied every single part of his life and found out he liked “only” skinny women, I’ve decided to become one. My weight loss started off slowly. I stopped drinking coke and eating sweets and I started walking an hour every day. I lost about 40 pounds like that in four months. When we had to go to the doctor’s in 8^th grade he told me that it would not be a tragedy if I lost I few more pounds (regardless that my weight was ideal for my height) and I took his words very, very seriously and that was when I stopped eating carbs. Every day my meal looked the same:  a piece of turkey and a salad. That was the only meal I has per day plus I started running and doing all kinds of exercises.

Soon it all summed up in an endless circle of anger and frustration. I cut off all of my friends (at least the ones I had), I started driving my parents crazy, I had no idea who I was anymore. It wasn’t long before the teachers noticed that something was very wrong with me, so they called my mom and at the time I thought that was the worst thing that could happen to me. She immediately dragged my ass to the doctor’s and I made I deal with him I’ll stop losing weight and that I will work on myself and my outbursts. Of course that wasn’t happening in any time soon. The weight kept coming off and my mind became darker every second. I lost it. The second time I went to my doctor I was obviously skinner and more depressed since my first appointment. He decided it was best for me if I go to a psychiatrist. By the time I got there I was getting close to my 14^th birthday thinking I was old enough to start smoking and die fast. I wanted to be dead because it was so hard for me to deal with my depression. Three days before my birthday I was hospitalized and my world broke down. They diagnosed me with anorexia nervosa and I had to stay in hospital until I gained the weight I needed to be healthy.

I remember being so angry of everyone they could barely calm me down. Days turned to weeks and weeks turned to months and it’s true I wasn’t just bones anymore, but I was still fighting my inner demons.

To be continued…